Yes, it’s
getting colder. Our fingers and toes, our noses, our lungs, the tiny paws of
our fluffy companions on the frosty ground – they all feel it. But despair not!
The chill is no reason to creatively strap a blanket to each of your
extremities and leave your house solely as “blanket-man” from October to April
(in Calgary, we have exactly two seasons); there are ways – ways, I tell you –
to celebrate Winter fashion like it’s 1999. Or maybe just like its 2015 and we
are reasonable sane people.
Sometimes –
blame the cold air infiltrating our brains – we forget the basic no-nos of
winter outfit assemblage. No one is perfect – once in a while even I leave the
house in some sloppy Uggs and puffy-coat nonsense. However, let me assure you,
I will never – never – be caught
having committed one of the following horrific acts of fashion depravities. And
neither should you. Never. Not even once. Not even if there’s 12 feet of snow,
plagues, floods, a shortage of Christmas cookies or any other apocalyptic
signs. Never. Ever.
Let’s begin.
1. DON’T wear pajamas out of the house. (DUH.)
Sadly, in my
twenty-seven or so years on this earth I have had to explain more than once (to adults, I might add)
the fact that wearing pajamas outside the house is, quite simply, not okay. I
get it, you’re cold. Your sweatpants are cozy and your slippers are a dream. If
you could see my face right now you would understand the very important fact
that I DON’T CARE GO PUT ON PANTS LIKE THE REST OF US and quit your whining!
Seriously!
2. Don’t
leave the house looking like an Ice Princess/ Snow Queen / you partake in ice-capades.
Avoid going
crazy with the whole fur/leather/bright white winter-princess idea. Fur (or
fake fur, if you’re like me) can be worn in moderation! Same with leather –
hell – even white leather, sure! Moderation. Winter fashion is the time to
incorporate some show-stopper pieces into your #ootds, but I don’t care what
season it is; a costume will always look like a costume. And Halloween is over.
3. Don’t be that
Canadian.
C’mon guys.
We get made fun of for this! Also, I have to admit that I don’t understand
these super humans who are either impervious to cold or just so damn good at
hiding what must be considerable discomfort for their love of shorts and
sandals they surely belong to some kind of shorts-in-minus30-awareness group. I feel I speak for us all when I say I’m failing
to see the benefit of such activism, so for now, please put on a coat, tough
guy.
4. Don’t revert to looking like a six year old.
Mittens that
attach to coats, animal-themed knit-wear (not, like, a tasteful design inspired
by nature I’m talking frog- toques, bear onesies, etc.), and two pieces
designed to look like pajamas (WHAT IS THIS MADNESS!?) – stop it. Just stop.
Stop. You are an adult! You have arrived! You made it through the horrors of
elementary, middle and high school just to – really? – wear Winnie the Pooh
themed matching mitten sweater sets? There must be another way. (There for sure
is.)
5. Don’t
leave the house wearing every single article of clothing you own at the same
time.
There’s a
better way to stay warm, I promise you there really is. With science, planning
and the miracle of micro-fibers, we can achieve toastiness in a mere
two-to-three layers of quality material!
Instead of turning yourself into the pea in The Princess and the Pea,
slip into a wool-blend or cashmere sweater, add a scarf and a wind-repelling
outer layer, and remember to send me a thank-you card and small gift in the
mail (or large gift, I’m not picky) when you meet the human of your dreams at
the grocery store, and don’t look like you’ve just escaped the compound.
Yeesh.
Sadly, I could go on, but now is the time for cozy slippers (I’m at home,
people. Keep up.) a book and a generous glass of wine to wash these troubling
images from my mind.
Until next
time, stay warm, stay fabulous (stay sane).
Serenity
Now.
-Monica Sommerville
